ADVETISEMENT: we are
looking for someone to work in our shop near the beach. You should:
-have worked in a shop before -enjoy dealing with people -be willing
to work some weekends.
Dear Mrs Richardson,
I have seen your
advertisement published on the newspaper and I would be very pleased
to apply for the job.
Let me introduce
myself…I’m quite 17, I attend the third year of the high school
in a small city in the south of Italy, an English course in order to
get the FCE Cambridge certification and a CISCO academy course in my
school.
I can define me a
responsible, punctual, patient and honest person despite my young
age. I’m totally available to deal with people, any problem and
situation. I’m open and cheerful, always ready to help or advise. I
had a work experience in a shop situated in the city centre, but I
think that a shop near the beach it’s such a different thing. I
deeply love the sea so I would be enthusiastic to work in your shop.
I will be willing to work at weekends as you will request me. Besides
I want to expose you my time division…I would like to work for 9
hours a day in two shifts in the morning and in the evening. We can
also stipulate conditions for extras shifts if you intend to employ
me. I will do my best to make you satisfied. I also need money for
the university, so I will put the maximum commitment.
I hope you’ll
appreciate and consider my references.
Looking forward to
your response
Best regards,
Anna Silvia
Panico
Hi Silvia,
ReplyDeleteYour letter answers the points from the task - (thank you for writing out the task clearly) - and you have laid it out very well and organised it into paragraphs which are appropriate and of a good length so the overall impression is good.
There are a few language points to mention, which I'll list below:
- I saw your advertisement in the newspaper and would like to apply for the post. (Saw is more appropriate than have seen 'cos you're reacting to it so it's in the past. In the newspaper but on a particular page of the newspaper! Pleased to or happy to would be more appropriate for the employer, e.g. "I'm happy to invite you for an interview." (Or for you saying you agree to attend one!) "Post" is more polite/respectful than "job".
- By "quite 17" do you mean almost/nearly 17 (i.e. not yet) or already 17? Not "quite" anyway!
- Be careful about being logical. If you're applying for a job in a shop you're probably applying near your home so "in a small city in the south of Italy" is not really appropriate!! Remember, you're not writing the letter to the examiner!!!
- I think I would add, "and I'm doing..." before your list of courses
- certificate rather than certification
- "I would describe myself" rather than "I can define me"
- maybe "I really enjoy dealing with people and solving problems or difficult situations" 'cos totally available doesn't really work here.
- Either, "I gained some work experience" or maybe, "I had a work experience position in ....."
- is a very different thing (rather than such a)
- I really love the sea so .... enthusiastic about working in ....
- I would be willing to work at week-ends as you require.
- What exactly do you mean by, "I want to expose you my time division?" Perhaps something like, "The hours that would really be ideal for me are 9 hours a day in two shifts, morning and evening.
- I would be happy to work extra shifts by arrangement/agreement.
- If you employed me I would do my very best to meet your requirements.
- I wouldn't actually put the last sentence into that paragraph (about needing the money) because it doesn't come across as positively as you would probably want!!!
- Again "I hope you'll appreciate..." comes across as rather sharp. Maybe something like, "I have enclosed my references and hope that you will find them satisfactory/of interest."
Altogether then the layout is great and the grammar too is pretty good. There are just a few awkward patches as regards the way some things are expressed. However, you have still managed to get the message across (Well done!!) and the overall result would normally be a pass but probably not the higher mark that your good level of grammar actually deserves.
Best regards,
Sherry
Thank you for your advices and corrections! They are always so precious and useful!
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