ADVERTISEMENT: We are looking for someone to work in our shop near the
beach . You should : -have worked in a shop before -enjoy dealing with people
-be willing to work some weekends.
Dear Mrs Richardson,
I saw the advertisement
that you published on the newspaper and I would like to apply for the job.
I am 16 years old and
I am attending the second year of high school here in Italy .
Even if I am only 16, I am really responsible and I have already worked
in a shop in Italy .
I am very good with people and I enjoy dealing with
them, but at the same time I enjoy having contact with other members of staff.
My last job didn’t include working on weekends, but I’m used to hard work and I’m willing to
work even on some weekends.
I would like to work in two shifts in the mornings and
in the evenings for 8 hours a day.
If you are interested in my propose, I’ll send you my
references.
Looking forward to hearing from you
Your sincerely,
Lorenzo Giorio
Hi Lorenzo,
ReplyDeleteAs I said to your colleague, it's really helpful of you to have spelt out the task because it makes it much easier to assess. Thank you.
This is a very good letter. You have covered all the points and the tone is positive and polite/respectful. Just a very few small points to mention:-
- You have indeed organised it into paragraphs, which is so important & which I am always talking about, but actually here you have perhaps OVERDONE the paragraphs making it into a series of sentences. It would be better to put several of these together into 2 or 3 slightly longer paragraphs. e.g. sentences 2 & 3 together, then 4 & 5 together. (Or any similar combination).
- in (not on) the newspaper. On goes with a particular page, e.g. on the front page, on page 10.
- You could give a FEW details of your experience of working in a shop. This would expand the paragraph & give your application more weight. Also, not sure about the "already". Think "before" would be better at the end of the sentence.
- English uses at the week-ends (Americans say on). The second time I would leave the "on" out, i.e. "even some week-ends."
- Comma after "shifts" and again after "evenings".
- application rather than propose, which is a verb anyway!! Noun is proposal but that's more for marriages & businesses.
- "I look forward" is more formal and therefore more suitable here. "Looking forward" is more for letters to friends/family.
That's it. Very few points at all. Excellent work!!!
Best regards,
Sherry