Dear Mr. Reid,
I have seen your advertisement on my school wall and I am writing you to aply for a summer job as an activity supervisor.
I am 15 years old and I am from the South of Italy. I attend the first class of high school language and once a week I improve my English by attending a private course, because I really love it.
Therefore this international Children's Summer Camp will be a good opportunity for me to improve my English, to keep in touch with new and foreign people and mostly with young people. And also it will be a good opportunity to be in charge with myself and maybe to reach the self-confidence that I miss a bit and to explore new places that I have nerver been.
If you take me on for this job, I will try my best to live up your expectations.
Could you please tell me what salary you are offering for this job?
I shall look forward to hering from you.
Best regards,
Caroline.
Hello Caroline,
ReplyDeleteI know this is a very old post but Maria suggested you would still like a comment. Apologies for missing it earlier!
First of all the letter is very well-written. It reads well and deals clearly with the subject-matter. The recipient would be fully informed and would have a favourable impression of your application letter. The format, paragraphing, use of articles and greetings are all absolutely right. Very well-done.
A few small points:
- Probably "saw" rather than "have seen"
- You need a preposition "writing to you to apply (double p)"
- I wouldn't repeat the "I", i.e. I am 15 years old and from....
- Maybe "am attending" rather than "attend"
- What do you mean "of high school language" ??? Is that a language high school or the first level of a language course at high school...???
- "Therefore" is ok but "For this reason" might work even better as it is stronger.
- You can't really "keep in touch" with someone you haven't met yet so maybe "meet new people from overseas - mostly young people."
- "And" is not considered good style at the beginning of a sentence. Possibly "Moreover" or "In addition"
- Not sure about the "in charge" and certainly not "with". Maybe "take charge of" or "take responsibility for"
- "gain" rather than "reach"
- "lack" rather than "miss". "Bit" is rather colloquial so maybe "little" would be better.
- You've got rather a string of connections just with "and" here so it might be better to use e.g. "and in addition gain"
- (Spelling) "never" + preposition "been to."
- "job" is a little colloquial. Better "post" or "position"
- You "live up to" someone's expectations
- Same point about "job" as above
- Spelling "hearing"
A very good letter which would encourage a positive response. Well done.