Bullying is a form of aggression, abusive type, through the use of false methodsand intimidation of opposition against themselves or against their peers in particular when there is a striking asymmetry of power, may involve verbal harassment, physical assault, harassment, discrimination is often based onethnic, religious, gender or sexual orientation. Developments have shown thatfactors such as envy and resentment may be indicators of risk to become a bully.The results on self esteem, in particular, are controversial: while some show anarcissistic aspect, others show shame or embarrassment.
In some cases the origin of bullying has its roots in childhood, perhaps frompeople who have been abused in turn There's some evidence to suggest thatbullies are more likely to have trouble with the law, and that can be structured as an adult in a real criminal career . Bullying is a "disease" that drives the weakestto look strong just to please a friend or a superior person, you must fight it by denouncing!
In some cases the origin of bullying has its roots in childhood, perhaps frompeople who have been abused in turn There's some evidence to suggest thatbullies are more likely to have trouble with the law, and that can be structured as an adult in a real criminal career . Bullying is a "disease" that drives the weakestto look strong just to please a friend or a superior person, you must fight it by denouncing!
Michele.
There is some REALLY excellent language in this article, in particular the lovely sentences "In some cases the origin of bullying has its roots in childhood...." and "There's some evidence to suggest that bullies are more likely to (have trouble with the law..)" These read very well indeed - excellent. In general the language elsewhere is also appropriate to the subject matter, which you treat with suitable seriousness.
ReplyDeleteThe points I would make are:
- First of all and VERY importantly, don't forget to paragraph. This may seem like an insignificant thing but it will automatically lose you lots of marks in an exam if you just write one long one. (Incidentally, I haven't actually counted the words but have you checked that there are sufficient according to the task. It looks a little short.
- It's better to give an article a title. You could have fun with making one up for this!
- The opening sentence is a little abrupt. Rather than diving straight into the definition of bullying, you could lead into the article with an introductory comment about the problem of bullying, such as the fact that it is becoming more common these days, or it has been in the news recently, or something similar - and why.
- Parts of the first sentence are awkward. What does "abusive type" go with? Also, what does "false methods" mean here?
- Do you mean that they intimidate anyone who attempts to oppose them (and are their peers opposing them or being opposed? This is not clear.) Also you need a subject for "may involve" e.g. "and this may involve", or "which may involve". What does the second "harassment" go with here? Is it the physical abuse?
That first sentence is really the only "iffy" one. After that it reads very well. Just a couple of little points e.g.
- "gender" and "sexual orientation" are nouns whereas "ethnic" and "religious" are adjectives so you need to find nouns for them, such as "ethnicity" and "religious beliefs/persuasions".
- I think "research has shown" would be better than "developments have...."
- " ... indicators of the risk OF BECOMING..."
- Do you really mean controversial or do you mean inconclusive?
- The position of "in turn" would be better brought forward ("people who have in turn been abused")
- In such a weighty essay, I would use full forms rather than short forms. e.g. here "There is some evidence..." (rather than "there's"). It doesn't fit the tone.
- What does "can be structured" mean here? Do you mean "can result in" or "can lead to"?
- Punctuation in the last sentence: ...person (full stop). Also missing object pronoun, "You must fight it by denouncing IT."
As I said before, a really weighty essay with some excellent language. Good work.