It was a trip I'll never forget.
I went to Toronto for holiday and I stayed there for six days .
I was really excited to visit all the city but I think that the best moment was when I had an ‘’edgewalk’’ on CN tower .
I went to the top by elevator.
When I was on top I was able to see all the city it was very amazing I went there for the ‘’ edgewalk ’’.
It was incredible you were secured by an operator and then you could stay on the top of the tower there was no glass that prevents you from falling and you were able to do lots of things like hanging out of the very edge.
I was scared because I suffer of dizziness but at the same time I was happy.
When I got off the tower I felt free and I was also hungry.
Toronto is AMAZING. If you haven't been there, you should seriously plan on going there for your next vacation.
The city is abosolutely beautiful and there's no, and im telling you, absolutely NO place ever that can be compared to Toronto
Lorenzo Giorio
toronto sounds wonderful. Only things I would change are "you go to Toronto for a holiday" and you suffer from dizziness not of dizziness. Maybe I will go there some day.
ReplyDeletethanks Anne!
ReplyDeleteThere is some nice descriptive language in this essay.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the main points to think about are:
1) Task achievement. In your title you say "a story" but this is more of an article. To be a story something has to happen so for example you could write that you were strapped into the harness, hung over the edge of the building, got stuck & had to wait ages to be rescued. In the end you were brought down by the fire brigade. That's why you won't forget the trip.
2) Paragraphing & punctuation. There are lots of short and one-sentence paragraphs so it would be better to link some of these together into a longer paragraph.Also there are sections which you need to break up with punctuation. e.g. .....all the city. It was really amazing.
.....at the top. There was no glass to prevent you ....
3) The section in the last paragraph where you say "and I'm telling you..." is perhaps rather too colloquial here.
These are my main points but as I said there is lots of nice language and the whole essay is very clear.